My Wife, the Terrorist

I didn’t realize my wife was a terrorist until the Bush administration’s Rod Paige informed us last spring. Rod Paige, Bush’s Secretary of Education, called America’s largest teacher’s union a 'terrorist organization.' Since President Bush didn’t condemn Rod Paige’s statement Bush must agree with him. Bush obviously must believe that teachers are terrorists too.

I had the task of telling my wife that she was a terrorist. She took the news well because she knew that no one in the Bush administration would ever make such an accusation unless it was true. President Bush has repeatedly said that 'if you not with us, you are against us.' According to Bush, all teachers are against Bush and everyone in his administration. Since my wife is now deemed a terrorist, I suppose our next step should be to try to get on Osama bin Laden’s email list so my wife can get up to date on what she is supposed to do. If we can’t reach Osama then perhaps we could get in touch with one of his deputies.

My wife was first dismayed because she was considered a terrorist by the Bush regime until she started to think of it as being an opportunity to buy a new wardrobe. She has already started buying Islamic clothing such as a contemporary two piece Jilbab, a georgette hijab, a lovely Khimar, and a nice triple layered Burka. She is getting excited about fulfilling Rod Paige’s statement by wearing clothes that make her at least look like a terrorist.

We don’t own any weapons or any explosive stuff so I don’t know how good my wife will be as a terrorist. Heck, we don’t even have a BB gun or a box cutter. Even if she had such things my wife wouldn’t know how to use them. She is hoping that Osama, or one of his followers, will teach her the fundamentals of being a terrorist. She thought maybe the leaders of Al Qaeda would have a DVD on how to become a terrorist. She searched on Ebay and Amazon but became discouraged because neither had any terrorist training DVDs.

While my wife is waiting for instructions from Osama, I suppose she will wait until the next gun show comes to our area. She is looking forward to buying a lot of assault weapons and plenty of ammo. I believe she can get box cutters at Home Depot.

My wife has always been an excellent teacher. She teaches multiple handicapped children, almost all of whom can’t function on a five year old level. These are children who were born with physical and mental defects. Their ages are chronologically between eight and fourteen but they perform at 4 to 5 year old levels. It is very hard and demanding to teach these children. And it is a very emotionally draining experience. My wife cannot help but get emotionally attached to each of her students. She is a real miracle worker. She has a gift that allows her to get through to the children and with time they respond very well. They will never be self-sufficient but they can be taught to be more aware of their surroundings and taught to be more socially adept.

I mentioned my wife’s teaching history because I believe she will be able to bring the same commitment, devotion, dedication, and passion to her new job as a terrorist.

After all, terrorists must have a lot of passion to be willing to blow themselves up with a suicide bomb. My wife will be anxiously waiting for contact from someone in the Taliban, Al Quaeda, or from Osama bin Laden for future instructions.

At first it disturbed my wife to be linked to the Taliban, Al Quaeda, and Osama bin Laden until I told her that President Bush and his father had a lot of ties with them.

The Bushes and the bin Laden family have been friends for thirty years. And President GW Bush even gave 43 million dollars of our tax dollars to Taliban leaders in the spring of 2001, just five months before these terrorists attacked the US on September 11, 2001. I also told my wife that when GW Bush was still governor he met with Taliban leaders in Texas. They talked about building a pipeline through Afghanistan. So my wife thinks that if President Bush has had such a close relationship with terrorists then she sees nothing wrong with her being friends with them too.

My wife is getting excited because of the new challenges she is now facing. If she is going to be called a terrorist by a high official in the Bush regime then she must be a terrorist. After all, we all know that no one in the Bush regime has ever told a lie.



-- Contact Larry S. Rolirad by e-mail at



» Find more of the online edition.