7-04-07, 9:15 am

Since the day I first realized that I was a Communist some thirty-five years ago, there have always been certain things I counted on to keep me in good stead. The first was that no matter what twists and turns might occur, I was certain that one day capitalism would be vanquished from the face of the earth. And the second was that no other decision I could have made would be as horrifying to my parents. Today, in order to horrify their parents, kids get body parts pierced, get tattooed, or think Green Day's treatment of 'So Tired Of Waiting For You' is an original song. ('Hey, how do you know that song?,' my daughter asked? 'The Kinks recorded it in 1964,' I answered). When my kids asked about things I did to upset my parents, I told them I joined the Young Workers Liberation League. Over the years, I have been fortunate to write for the People's Weekly World and, most recently, to be a contributing writer for Political Affairs. And since that time, I have clung resolutely to one certainty in my mind: As a Communist journalist, there was absolutely no way I would ever....ever...write an article about Paris Hilton. It is difficult to describe in words the level of comfort and satisfaction this certainty provided. Until today... Yes, an element of faith was destroyed when I realized there was no way out. I was going to have to write something about Paris Hilton and I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby, two people who have been named, respectively, after one of the most historic and romantic cities in the world and, apparently, a Vespa. This is so absolutely shattering to me that I am on the verge of having a full-fledged anxiety attack, and since a scotch and soda would be inappropriate at this hour of the day I will have to settle for holding one hand firmly over my nose while I type. This means I'll be typing more slowly, but this has no impact on the reader since, if you're reading this, I have finished typing. In any event, what leads me to write about these two people is the similarity of the denouements of their encounters with the justice system. The Paris Hilton saga has already been reported ad nauseum. Yesterday, President Bush announced that he was commuting the sentence imposed on Libby. Aside from wondering whether the 'get out of jail free' card in the Monopoly board game will bear the images of Hilton and Libby -- and no doubt it will if Parker Brothers believes that's a marketable selling point -- there are some lessons in this. In the matter of Paris Hilton, we learned that a spoiled, wealthy young woman of privilege (if not talent) didn't like being in jail. What a shocker, as Andy Borowitz might describe it. In the case of Libby, we discovered that a Washington-insider wouldn't be serving any time in jail because the President felt the prison term imposed by the judge was 'too harsh.' This from a man who, as Governor of Texas, presided over the executions of 152 men and women. What a surprise! But let us compare how the mainstream media will 'play' these two cases. The two major stories of the past few months have, apparently, been Paris's prison travails and the fallout from the death of Anna Nicole Smith. Geez, I just mentioned another person I was sure I would never write about as a Communist journalist. (And am re-thinking the whole 'too early for scotch' premise). The only way to describe this is warped; as warped as an old vinyl recording of Alvin and the Chipmunks singing tunes by the Beatles. It's simply Sicko. I wouldn't ordinarily use the latter term, but feel slightly redeemed in this piece by giving a plug for Michael Moore's latest film. Let me just get down to brass tacks: I really having nothing against Paris Hilton. I don't know her as a person. I wouldn't want to walk too feet in her shoes, let alone a mile. And it has nothing to do with the fact that my feet wouldn't fit in her shoes or that my arches would be killing me after five minutes. It's simply that I cannot think of a single thing she's done to warrant that level of fame. To me, she's just not that interesting or compelling as a celebrity. It makes me almost yearn for Rula Lenska, that commercial pitchwoman who purported to be someone famous, but really wasn't. I think I even prefer Lenska's current day replacement, Pat Murphy Stark. If the mainstream media is so starved for entertainment-focused feature articles, I could suggest a few that wouldn't involve Paris Hilton, such as: * Will there ever be an episode of 'CSI Miami' in which David Caruso doesn't take off his sunglasses and give the kind of look Clint Eastwood would give if Clint had red hair? * Will Faye Dunaway perform in a one-woman Broadway show about her failed marriage to J. Geils Band frontman Peter Wolf? And if she does, will it be called 'My love runs cold?' * Now that Matt Leblanc's 'Friends' spin-off failed, will NBC try again by bringing Jennifer Anniston (Rachel) and David Schwimmer (Ross) together for ten years of off-again-on-again romantic difficulties? The show could go on the schedule as 'Taking a Break.' * Will we ever see each season of 'The Larry Sanders Show' on DVD? Come on, folks...Garry Shandling is a lot more talented than Paris Hilton...and he makes me laugh. * Will the UFC sponsor a match between Donald Trump and Rose O'Donnell with ex-Trump employee (and 'Apprentice' board room figure) Carolyn Kepcher as guest referee? * Now that Criss 'Mindfreak' Angel appears to be heading for a nasty divorce, will he make himself disappear and be sought after by Dwayne 'Dog The Bounty Hunter' Chapman. A&E could turn that into a mini-series, for goodness sake. As for Libby, that's a matter in which I find not the least shred of humor. Because unlike Paris Hilton, whose decisions have no impact on most people's lives, Libby was a person of prominence at the center of our government. He committed perjury, and he's not going to serve one day in jail. So, Paris Hilton got a stiffer sentence for a probation violation than Libby got for lying under oath. I am almost to the point where I am agreeing that her sentence was too harsh. It was, compared to Libby's crime. And I find myself in agreement with GOP ultra-right blogger Bobby Eberle when he wrote today that Libby was 'a fall guy,' although Eberle doesn't say that Libby was a fall guy was Vice President Cheney. Now that my one slightly less than a shot glass full of empathy for Hilton and my partial agreement with GOP apologist Eberle has me on the precipice of a complete nervous collapse and I find myself closing my eyes and repeating 'There will be socialism,' 'There will be socialism' as if I were in the last scene of a Marxist version of 'The Wizard of Oz,' I must confront the reality that this isn't a dream. And that President Bush, a most busy world leader, actually took the time yesterday to pronounce Libby's prison sentence as 'too harsh,' while announcing his 'respect' for the judge in the case. In this same vein of 'respect,' Mr. President, let me disagree with you on the meaning of 'too harsh.' * Sending thousands of young men and women of promise to die in Iraq and Afghanistan after you ignored documentation that there were no 'weapons of mass destruction' and no evidentiary links between the Saddam Hussein regime and Al-Qaeda: This is what is 'too harsh.' * Presiding over a nation without universal health care and where workers must fight for the passage of the Employee Free Choice Act to guarantee their ability to organize and join a labor union: This is what is 'too harsh.' * Allowing avowed white supremacists to bear arms as members of the US military, engaging in racist organizing and ignoring the lessons learned from Timothy McVeigh's bombing of the Murrah Federal Building: This is what is 'too harsh.' * A right-wing Supreme Court. There's an old joke, and I forget to whom it should be credited, that Republicans don't believe government works and then they get elected and prove it. Well, you've appointed ultra-right ideologues who don't believe the law means all that much, and they prove it. That is what is 'too harsh.' * And while this is by no means an exhaustive list, Mr. President, two terms of your occupancy of the Oval Office with corporate greed run amok: This is what is 'too harsh.' Make no mistake, President Bush. Paris may not be burning, but I am! But I'll feel better, I think, next November. And I will feel better in January of 2009 when you retire to your ranch in Crawford, Texas and write your memoirs. Might I suggest you call your future magnum opus 'Too Harsh?' You might even get Paris and Scooter to collaborate on the introduction.