03-06-06,9:14am
UNCLASSIFIED MEMORANDUM
TO: THE SECRETARY OF STATE
FROM: CMDCM (SW/SS) - Command Master Chief*, U.S. Naval Base Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
SUBJECT: Welcome to Guantanamo’s Exercise Program!
REFERENCE: “Condicise Sweeps The Nation,” Wonkette (March 2, 2006) http://www.wonkette.com/politics/condicise/condicise-sweeps-the-nation-158001.php
In response to your request to participate in our exercise program at Guantanamo, I am glad to provide you with the particulars regarding our activities.
A) Background and Requirements
1. Our program has 500 full-time participants from all parts of the world. The facilities for the program are separate from the rest of operations here at the Naval Base. This assures that the participants will focus entirely on the program and not misdirect their attention to peripheral matters. NOTE: Many program participants do not shave and do not speak English.
2. Program participants cannot be accompanied by family or friends. In your case, this means you cannot bring the man you once referred to as you husband http://www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,12271,1391579,00.html, President George W. Bush. You must also leave behind your State Department ex-Marine personal trainer. NOTE: Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld may at one point visit you to evaluate your progress, as our program is under his http://www.npr.org/documents/2004/dod_prisoners/20040622doc9.pdf supervision.
3. The program requires minimal contact with the outside world and no distractions. Do not bring a cell phone or your Bible, for example. NBC will not be permitted to film you during your workouts. If at one point you are allowed to keep a diary, it is not out of the question that you may be allowed to provide it to the news media after you terminate the program. NOTE: You will be allowed to pray and, at one stage in your program (depending on your progress) to watch professional football on television.
For more information on your facilities, accommodations, and menus, please visit http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/facility/guantanamo-bay_delta.htm
B) Preliminary Program
5. All exercise programs are in large part mental, so expect that your trainers will employ the following techniques to get you on the right psychological footing for your bodily transformation:
— yelling
— repeating the same questions
— staring
— increasing fear level
6. With the prior authorization of Defense Secretary Rumsfeld, the following may also be used to get you in tip-top shape:
— new interrogation environment: change of scenery
— use of stress positions
— sensory deprivation
— hooding
— removal of clothing
— forced grooming (e.g., removal of facial hair)
— using your phobias (e.g., fear of Hillary Clinton, fear of getting fat, fear of not being loved by George W. Bush)
For more information on the above techniques, please visit the below link, from which the above terms are taken. http://hrw.org/backgrounder/usa/0819interrogation.htm
C) Program Highlight
7. Along with its unique mental techniques, our exercise program has at its core its unique anti-exercise exercise (AEE) feature. This revolutionary wellness initiative aims to deprive program participants of all but the most rudimentary movements of the body (your cell accommodations are of course an essential element in achieving this). As you progress, with our persistent encouragement, in drastically reducing your physical mobility, we will gradually and occasionally allow you to move normally. At Camp 4, for example, you and your fellow deexercisers, having finally met our anti-motion requirements, will have access to a soccer field and a volleyball court, as noted in http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/facility/guantanamo-bay_delta.htm
8. When you leave Guantanamo, President George W. Bush will no longer be in office, but you can rest assured that your obsessive desire to be thin will be fully satisfied. You will have lost much weight and, having been deprived of exercise for many years, be even more eager to exercise than you are now, if you have any energy left or are not rushed to a hospital. Please feel free to invite NBC to film you in the gym once more, so that the whole world can see how successful your multi-year fitness program at Guantanamo was. Slimmer and more alluring than ever after your extreme GTMO make over, you will be an exemplary physical specimen for our ordinary, out-of-shape, overweight fellow Americans.
D) A Special Note on Voluntary Fasting
9. Some program participants choose to engage in what we call “voluntary fasting,” aka “hunger strike.” Although we realize that you are resolute in your passion not to gain extra pounds, we do not encourage you to take part in this activity. But if you do, we will he happy to feed you through a nasal tube as you are seated on a restraint chair, a seating arrangement described by my colleague Gen. John Craddock, head of the United States Southern Command, as “pretty comfortable, it’s not abusive.' http://www.usnews.com/usnews/news/articles/060222/22gitmo.htm
Attachment: More on Guantanamo
10. For more information on other operations at Guantanamo, please consider the below, which can be culled from the Internet at http://www.nsgtmo.navy.mil/htmpgs/welcomabd.htm
Welcome Aboard:
from the Desk of CMDCM(SW/SS) Lawrence A. Cairo Command Master Chief U.S. Naval Base Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
Shipmate,
Congratulations on your orders to Naval Station Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
You now are part of history, a member of the oldest U.S. base overseas, and the only one in a Communist country. We are located in the Oriente Province on the southeast corner of Cuba. The base is about 400 air miles from Miami, Florida.
[...]
In the recent past, our base has become a highly successful stop for many Naval ships looking for a place for their crews to rest and relax.
Naval Base Guantanamo Bay is a great community as well. Since we do not have the luxury of leaving the base after work, we have everything you need right here. We have a Commissary, Navy Exchange, furniture store, gas station, hospital, dry cleaners, bowling alley, library, Navy Federal Credit Union, Community Bank, and Columbia College so you can work on advancing your education. If you are accompanied by your family and have children, we have both an elementary (pre-K through 6th grade) and high school (grades 7-12), along with two Child Development Centers and a Youth Center. All facilities are open to the general population with the exception of the base clubs. The drinking age on base is 21, so only personnel 21 and older are allowed into the clubs.
The base has a very diverse and rich culture. Our current population is about 8,500. In addition to active duty service members from the Navy, Army, Marine Corps, Air Force, Coast Guard, and their dependents, we have civilian contractors, DoD contractors, dependents of hired contractors and third country nationals (TCN), mostly from Jamaica and the Philippines. The base contractors hire many of the TCNs for their workforce. Because of this diverse population mixture, we commemorate each other’s special celebrations such as Cuban-American Friendship Day, Philippine Independence Day, and Jamaican Independence Day.
Guantanamo Bay is not all work. There are many off-duty activities as well. Most activities are outdoors, because we have great weather. Because of our location, the temperature in the winter is in the 60s in the morning and is in the upper 70s by afternoon. During the summer the temperature is in the mid 70s in the morning, and rises into the upper 90s throughout the day. MWR is very active here. We have free outdoor movie theaters that show first run movies every night, with two on the weekends. Intramural sports are very popular and are programmed throughout the year, and there are a number of different ball fields in various locations around the base. Additionally MWR has boats, kayaks, fishing equipment, diving equipment, and even some surfboards for rent. We have a 9-hole golf course, an 18-hole miniature golf course, tennis courts, batting cages, and three swimming pools. There is great diving here. You can snorkel or tank dive. If you are not a certified diver, you can take classes to become certified. Night dives are very popular with certified divers.
You can even have a ‘GTMO Getaway Weekend.’ We have a bachelor quarters complex on the Leeward side of the base which has 134 rooms. You can take the ferry over to the Leeward side and rent a room for about $7. Additionally there is a galley on Leeward side, an outdoor movie theater (coming soon), a mini-mart, and a small club. You can spend the weekend away from everyone, visit one of the Leeward side’s four beaches and relax.
As you see, GTMO is more than you thought, and will be a great duty station assignment. I am looking forward to your arrival, meeting you, and having you as a member of the “GTMO Team.” Again, welcome to the team!
Very respectfully,
Lawrence A. Cairo CMC(SW/SS)
*John Brown, a former Foreign Service officer who practiced public diplomacy for more than 20 years, now compiles the 'Public Diplomacy Press Review,' which can be obtained free by e-mail by clicking at http://www.uscpublicdiplomacy.org/index.php?/newsroom/johnbrown_main By the same authors John Brown New Karen Hughes Public Diplomacy Initiative An International Visitor Program for Iraqi Media Leaders Implanting Democracy in the Middle East 'Our Indian Wars Are Not Over Yet' Morality Mission: How Karen Hughes Sees Her Job
